You can’t force someone to love you

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I may have gotten a bit carried away here, but if you can make it through the few paragraphs of pure sap and schlock, I do make a point 😉

Here we are. 2015. We met in 1993 at my dads restaurant. By chance, by luck, by accident, who knows. All I know is we’re here now. As you all know I am not a believer in much, I don’t believe in soulmates, prayers, religion, luck, God, politics, vegetarianism.

I do believe in attraction, feelings, passion, love.
I know that we didn’t get here by accident or by chance. We got here for a reason. That reason is true love. Not in the “one true love sense” more in the literal sense of the words. We truly love each other. I know this to be true now. After questioning it at different times in our relationship. I don’t think Tony is the only Man in this world for me. Nor do I think I’m the only woman for him. There are so many people in the world. That can’t possibly be true. What I know is we chose to love each other. I’ve waited for him and he’s waited for me. We’ve each gone through many struggles in our life together. We’ve taken turns hating each other.  We went to therapy individually and together (that may not have been the best idea) it hasn’t all been Facebook posts of us holding hands on the beach 😝 #fakepeopleslivesonfacebook we don’t always get along HA!  We’ve worked together for 22 years. raised 3 children, had many pets, shared losses and wins.
If there is one thing I learned from my parents it’s that you don’t leave. (There are always exceptions!  If you’re in an abusive relationship, if your partner is a mob king pin, if they are stealing from you, you get my point) if the fundamental premise of your relationship is normal and functional, you don’t leave cause you have a fight or cause shit gets rough.  I can only speak for myself and my relationship. I know without a shadow of a doubt that this man loves me and I love him. Of this, I’m sure. He has seen me at my worst in every sense of the word. I have seen him through all of his highs and lows too. It has not been a smooth ride, I am sure there will be more bumps to come, but we are stronger, closer, and more in love than ever before. He never left. I never left. He actually and literally waited for me.  For me to figure out what the fuck was going on with myself during my 3 year midslife crisis, meltdown.  I know most men would not do that.  For that, I am so grateful.
I think people forget that. They say the vows but only because they are parrots. They don’t mean it or even really grasp the meaning.  They think they mean it, they intend to mean it… for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.  People change. People grow. People do stupid things. When things get tough people crack.  If you’re lucky enough to find someone who will love you as much at your worst as they do at your best, keep’em!
You can’t force someone to love you.  They just do or they don’t.
There are millions of different reasons relationships crumble, I am not judging a single one of them. I am only speaking about my personal experiences. We didn’t stay together for the kids, for money, for business, for property. We were tested to the limit and we both chose to love each other. We couldn’t have gotten this far without each other.
I love you with all my heart Tony️❤
Thank you for not quitting on me. Here’s to the rest of our lives.
xo
your Wife

It doesn’t matter if your kids love you, it’s not their job. It’s your job to love them.

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Preface- I don’t really care what your personal opinions of me are, whether you think I am unhappy, cynical, pessimistic, negative or fucked up. This is MY interpretation of what this week means to me. Is it selfish, probably, but this is about ME after all, so why wouldn’t it be. This is a mother’s perspective. Take it with a grain of salt and for what it’s worth. Simple

It took me 2 hours to write this post, and 24 hrs to edit it due to the uncontrollable sobbing.  This week marks one of the saddest events in my life. Why? How is this possible? Did someone die? Found out I’m sick? Did I lose something important? No, way bigger than any of those.

This Friday, my first born daughter Maddy graduates High School. Then in September, she also turns 18 years old. This is truly one of the most gut-wrenching moments of my life. For so many reasons.

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Everyone throws parties, everyone eats cake, everyone brags about where their child will be going to college. It’s a time of joy and celebration. Yet all I want to do is sit in a corner on the floor and cry nonstop.

For those of us that have children, there is truly no greater joy or love possible. Sadly no one without children can understand this.   You literally grow a human being inside of you. I honestly think pregnancy and motherhood is one of the single most underappreciated or understood concepts in the world. We make other humans! We are the only people in the world that can do that. What power. When your baby is born, it literally takes your breath away. And from that day forward you spend every single moment trying to take care of them. Teach them, guide them, protect them, help them, be there for them, and worry about them. Constantly.

Really it’s kind of shitty job. It’s very one-sided. Consisting of mostly pouring everything you have into making this person as independent as you can so they can go on to move out, get married have children of their own and do what you just spent your parenting life preparing them for.   Then you’re left just watching. Waiting for a text or a phone call to say hi, or maybe grab lunch or have a family dinner.   Then hope they have time to visit you in your nursing home a few times a year. ( grim, perhaps… the truth… abso-fuckinglutely. )

Now, I know this may seem a bit dramatic. But is it really? It’s what I did to my parents. I couldn’t wait to leave, move out, start my own life. Not in a bad way, I wasn’t abused, I didn’t have a shitty childhood, and at the time my family was quite cohesive, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, Shabbat every Friday night at Bubby and Zeidi’s. It wasn’t until I became a real adult that the reality was very different. The family of people that I grew up surrounded by, turned out to be a bunch of adults, all with very different ideas of love, different agendas, different children, different personalities and all independent of each other. Now most of us don’t speak to one another. Sad but true. I was always in a rush to grow up, start my family. I wanted to have kids young so I could be young parent and have as much time as possible with my kids. Be able to see their kids. Be with them as long as I could.   But now I see that all we really have are the years that our kids let us have. When it is time for them to start their families, careers, adventures, and lives, they WILL.

This is ultimately the goal. Isn’t it? Well, I will tell you that it is the worst feeling in the world.

Am I proud, fuck yeah. Is she amazing? Fuck yeah. Is she smart, funny beautiful, powerful, She is everything you could possibly want your daughter to be and more. And, with all of that I have to let her go. Go into the world without me. Go meet a man, and pray he doesn’t hurt her, even though he will. Hope that she has a great life, with whatever her version of happiness and success is.   Watch her struggles from outside. She has to do this. It’s everything I have worked towards for 18 years. I did my best, even though I made too many mistakes to even recount, I did good.

While I may be a little ahead of myself here, she is NOT moving out just yet, and she still comes home to me most nights J Its coming. The reality is looming over me like a huge storm cloud just waiting to crack and explode on top of me. It’s truly awful.

I will be here for her anywhere, anytime, any way I can forever. Even though the fear of her not using that lifeline very often kills me. It is all in her hands. There is nothing I can do. Nothing.

It truly is a cliché, but it goes by so fast it hurts. There’s not much you can do to slow it down, all you can do is try to enjoy as much of it as you can. That’s all.

Despite all this sadness, fear of loneliness, and despair, I am truly as proud and grateful as any mother can be. I support her every move. In an effort to make sure she doesn’t rush into her life like I did, I advised Maddy to take a year off. No need to rush into or even go to college. She has been in the schooling system since the age of 3. I told her to take a year to be a kid. She is lucky enough to not NEED to work if she doesn’t want to, even though she does want to. She is lucky enough to live in one of the most incredible beautiful places on earth in my opinion. Be free! Surf, or don’t. Sleep in, or don’t. Eat pancakes and donuts, or don’t . Because once you put your foot in the door , you are diving head first into the rest of your life.

I love you so much Maddy I can’t breathe. I need you to know that and understand that. Maybe one day when you are 43, and your daughter or son turns 18 you will. I know I do now.

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Love MOM

Enough already!

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I hate hypocrites. Oh. Caitlyn is so beautiful. Oh, Caitlyn is so brave. Now I hope you’re ready for it! Because 98% of you are hypocrites. Ok, maybe not all of you. Most of you. Do you have a Transgender blog? Do you post about it regularly? Do you post pics in your news feed regularly? Do you go to fundraisers and benefits for Transgender people’s rights?

Cause I bet you a million dollars. If you dropped you kid off at a new school and his teacher was a transgender male you would freak out. If they started putting just any no name transgender models on the covers of magazines. There would be fucking riots, like in Baltimore!

The statistics are available. And transgender is not exactly mainstream.

http://www.answers.com/Q/How_many_people_in_this_world_are_….

Bruce Jenner comes “out” and he’s on the cover of Vanity Fair?! And everyone thinks he beautiful?! Give me a fucking break! I can dress Howard Stern up as a woman and you’d say the same thing!! She is photoshopped, Surgery shopped, she/he had his Adam’s apple shaven down. Tits installed, his dick chopped off. And still looks like a 68-year-old man dressed like a woman. Why doesn’t everyone just call a spade a spade. Chaz Bono came out. Where were you then? She wasn’t brave?! She only made it to the cover of Star magazine and the tabloids.

None of this sets a precedent. All this does is perpetuate that this universe has managed to take humanity to a full on psycho status. The world has morphed to “men in black” movie status. It’s warped. Yes, it’s ok to be born a MAN, to father 6 children, and  live a full life.  But IMO, at age 68 decide you want tits and lipstick? Not ok.

I don’t have a problem with Bruce Jenner. I don’t have a problem with Caitlyn Jenner. I have a problem with you! All the hype, the talking, all the commenting, all the posting, all the news coverage, all the glorification. So beautiful. So brave! So heroic! He is none of the above. He is a twisted warped soul, who was lost. Poor unfortunate soul. Then he got thrown into a bit pot of Kardashian uselessness.

Calm your tits! I am NOT saying I don’t support transgender people. I actually do. If someone isn’t comfortable in their skin….Do what you want. You wanna be gay or lesbian. Go! Prosper. I have NO PROBLEM AT ALL!  IF one of my kids wants to “convert”. I support them a million percent.

All I’m saying (besides it still being creepy as fuck) is stop exploiting the poor bastard. And glorifying it. Let him do his fucking thing. One thing is for sure, I promise you he’s not a fucking supermodel! He wasn’t attractive as a man. And he sure as shit ain’t as a woman. No Christy Brinkley here!

I also think after 68 years of feeling trapped. Sorry, bud. You’re stuck! Why the fuck you gotta fuck everyone else up! I think what he’s done is not brave at all. I think it’s selfish. But that’s just my stupid supportive non-judgmental opinion.

 

I just wanna be Fat and Happy!

10930093_10205668231736773_1600680733000718868_nAnd in this corner….. at 5’4…. weighing a staggering 150 lbs……. ME! I don’t really want to talk about it. Yet, here I go.

Who says!! Who says what the right weight is? Who came up with the BMI? I don’t give a shit that Adolphe Quetelet did a study in 1830 to decide what the “normal” body mass of a human being was.

I want to be Fat and happy, why can’t that be? Who says? Supermodels are 6’2 and weigh approx 112 lbs on average, so they finally sign a size 22 model, to be politically cutting edge, and show that you don’t have to be 112lbs to make it! This is utter stupidity. First of all people are going off on her! Are they right? Who the fuck cares, it ALL comes down to opinions, and every single one of us has one! Why do they have to set an example with HER? They couldn’t find a more “average” sized woman, they had to go all “Walmart” size? There is a happy medium. This is not it. I love CrossFit bodies! Honestly I do! That doesn’t mean I want to have one! I have zero interest in having Annie Thorisdottir’s body, and I also have no interest in looking like Kendall Jenner at 115 lbs. Every single person is supposed to be a different weight. We are all different. Why aren’t we just allowed to be different?

It really pisses me off. I know you are all sick of hearing me bitch about my weight. You’re all sick of me complaining, whining, bitching, actually I’m sick of it myself. Yet it persists. I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life, with the exception of when i was pregnant. I hate it. I feel like I am a bear caught in a trap, with a pizza in my mouth and a cupcake in my hand. It sucks, but it tastes so good. I am way too self-conscious to ever do this but I wonder what would happen if I actually posted a “real” picture of me naked (not pornographic, get your minds out of the gutter) full light, no filters, no tricks or gimmicks, what people would say. Thank god for clothing is all I have to say.

I struggle hourly. I am trapped in a vicious cycle of following mostly CrossFitters, professional athletes at that, there are regular athletes too, bikini models, bloggers, Victoria Secret models, new mothers, weight lifters, fit chicks, and a few “normal people”, but they post mostly meme’s and pictures of food :-). I am insecure, just like the rest of the world, even the people who say they’re not. Every one wants to be seen, acknowledged, heard, appreciated, complimented, praised. That is the ONLY reason Facebook and other social mediums are as popular as they are. It’s also the reason why everyone that swears they wont sign up for it, always ends up doing so (even though some may argue it’s for business, or political reasons, or for family ) everybody just wants to be heard and seen. It is also the reason why we ALL bitch and moan about how stupid and useless Facebook is, yet we can’t get away from it. We try and try, but “every time you think you’re out, they pull you back in” ( Godfather quote).

All we are all trying to do is LIVE LONGER. Its amazing! Paleo, Zone, Atkins, Vegetarian, Gluten Free, No red meat, No dairy products, No soda, No pesticides, No grains, No corn, Fat, No fat, Vegan, eat Apricot seeds to cure cancer, Shark Cartilage, No fast food, Farm raised salmon, wild salmon, fish oil, protein, every single vitamin ever invented, the bullshit list goes on and on. the funniest part is that no one knows, no one has the answer, no one has discovered the magic answer. It is ALL full of shit. Just like the campaign that started the “fat-free” fad 30 years ago, that only led us to where we are now, realizing that Fat free is almost a sure way to get fat, unhealthy, and a multitude of issues. Now everyone is on the “fat is amazing for you” bandwagon, but guess what… we have no clue what the next 30 years will show us, maybe eating bacon everyday for 20 years will lead to brain cancer!! No one knows. I am not being antagonistic here, and I don’t want all you bacon lovers to ‘TP’ my house for this!! All I’m saying is NO ONE KNOWS! We’re guessing, and testing. We are all guinea pigs.

The whole reason for this topic came about for me, for a few reasons. With my recent weight gain, and my extreme resistance to any type of physical activity, I have started questioning it all. Why do I have to do work out 6 days a week? Why do I need to train for a half marathon? Why do I need to exercise everyday? I have 2 Grandmothers, alive and kicking right now! My Bubby is 92 years old. Do you understand what that means? She is 92! She was in a concentration camp during world war II, she was taken from her parents, they were killed, she ate bread and water for years, sometimes a potato, when she was freed, she came to Canada, went on to raise a family, always cooked, baked, loves dairy products, ate bread almost every day of her life, never exercised, not once ever, never did Zumba, or aerobics, never ran or played sports.  She took the sun for decades with no sunscreen, drank wine, drank coffee, ate cookies, didn’t buy organic foods, I think she even smoked for a few years somewhere in the mix. Now, she is no Victoria Secret model, but she is not 300 lbs and … she is 92! She lives by herself, not in a retirement home or senior assisted living. She can walk, she can cook, she is basically in great shape! Mentally and physically. I mean she has a few things that are deteriorating like her hearing and sight, and she has terrible arthritis, but I attribute that to aging in Montreal winters and the years she spent in the concentration camps, with the cold with no shoes and clothes… absolutely astonishing, inconceivable, and she survived it all – all without exercise and without going gluten-free! Amazing!

My Meme (French grandmother) is 96, has also never exercised a day in her life! Ate very well her whole life – baguette every day, cheeses and cold cuts, desserts – lived with second-hand smoke for at least 40 years, never did yoga, olympic weightlifting, went through 2 full-sized nervous breakdowns, a full hysterectomy at age 40-ish, and took many medications at various times in her life. She is in a senior home, but she is 96!!! And still quite lucid at that!

My point with both of these stories is simple: they did everything that you are NOT supposed to do and are still living!! I find it extremely interesting. Karl Lagerfeld is 81 years old and survives on 2 things: a passion for designing and diet coke! He drinks 12 of them a day! and yet he is not obese, diabetic or dying of cancer.

Calm down! I am not bashing any of the things you are doing. Honest I’m not! I am merely pointing out that every one is simply trying not to die. I don’t need to be Paleo if I want to live to be 90. I don’t have to do train every day if I want to live a long life. I admire every single person in the universe that has abs and can do a muscle-up. They are real life superheroes! That doesn’t mean that I have to be like them to live long and prosper. I don’t want a six-pack, I don’t even want a 2 pack, i just don’t want to jiggle and have a pot belly :-).

I’m just trying to find what works for me, while having dessert more than once a week. Why does that have to be so hard?

P.S Leave this fucking model alone!

I didn’t marry my soulmate

EU trip montageI don’t believe in soulmates. I don’t believe that there is only one person in the world for each of us. I believe in love. Connections. And lots of energy and effort. It’s actually quite amazing the relationships that can develop if you invest in them. This applies to every relationship. Not only marriages. Our marriage is not what it was 20 years ago. It has had many evolutions. I’m mostly grateful for each one 🙂 we have been through many life changing events together and we have survived all of them somehow. (That’s not to say I didn’t want to suffocate him with a pillow a time or two.) This time with Tony was very healthy and very needed by both of us. I take comfort in knowing that we both enjoyed each other very much. In more ways than one. Genuinely think we have made it this far for a reason. For that I am happy. Just like all the different ages in my life have taught me many things, so did our life together. We have really grown with each other. Been through births, deaths, pets, homes, cities, graduations, surgeries, a miscarriage, a 25 year struggle with anxiety, a home invasion, a corporate invasion, and many many other events just like most of you. Sometimes it makes me sad to think that people we know are just starting out. Having babies. Buying their first home. Doing things that we did so long ago. Our son Nick is 23 and moved to Montreal. Maddy is graduating high school in a month, and minutes away from starting her life, and then Livvy who is only 13, but so mature and independent she barely needs us :-). I feel like this was the trip to prepare us for our next phase. I am thankful we still like each other. I know we love each other. But liking each other is more important. With that I will let you go until 12 Hours from now when we will be back in San Diego with our family. Xo ‪#‎mericafuckyeah‬ I love you @tonyblauer

The Dark Side of Travel

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This is my “new” travel article. I may start a column for Travel and Leisure magazine 😉 Stay tuned…

Let me start off by saying, I am quite a positive person. I don’t think the world is coming to an end and I don’t think there’s no point to life. Life is amazing. I also happen to be harshly realistic.

To all the pilots out there! Let me say you are the unsung heroes of a very ungrateful, rude, entitled, abusive, cranky culture of people who only bitch about all the negative issues with traveling. (I know this seems like I am contradicting myself but be patient I am bitching about something totally different here). You take everyone where they want to go! It’s truly incredible, that we can board a plane on one side of this great earth and within hours, be it 7 or 27 and be on the opposite side of the world. It really is something to marvel. I personally would like to thank you all. I have never understood how people can be in an airport and be so disgustingly rude to the airlines when there is a delay or when there is a mechanical problem with the AIRPLANE that a flight is cancelled. For OUR safety. I am actually thankful, but I digress.

There are people who love to travel and the I am not one of them. Like my insane 70 something mother in law Myrna Goodman Gotfrit, who is always planning her next one month trip to the Congo or a cruise through Alaska, a one month tour of Burma or a Sherpa escorted ascent of Everest. This woman has more energy than ten women combined. With a wonderful curiosity of culture and discovery.. Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up knowing travel. The furthest place I ever went until I was 22 was Hallandale Florida. And most of the 10 times I went, we drove there in my parents lovely brown Granada with leather seats. My sister , brother and I in the back seat for 3 days. With my father searching for White Castle burgers and Church’s fried chicken. Then there was the always required stop at South of the Border for a sombrero ashtray even though none of us smoked ;-). You do the math. Maybe it’s because I live in what I consider to the one of the best places I could ever imagine on earth. Whatever the reason is, here is my rant.

No one ever talks about the dark side of travel. I am here to expose the deep dark dirty underbelly of all those Glamour shots of the beaches you see. All you see is the wonderful, smiley, selfie stick posed pictures. I myself am guilty of this. (Minus the selfie stick, tony refused to indulge me with one) All we share are pics of the Eiffel Tower, the Colosseum in Rome and all the amazing shopping. There is a dark side people! And we have all been there. Everything about travel is awful. Cramming what you think you’ll need for 2 weeks in to one suitcase, the airports, clearing security, the flying part, crying babies, there is always ONE, the unidentified germs, the flatchulence, the porters, the taxis, the hotels with hairs in the shower or even better on your sheets, the busses, the trains, the bathrooms, the foreign languages, the foreign currency, the jet lag, the list goes on. And all of it for what? I honestly don’t get it. As far as I’m concerned Italy looked like Temecula on a sunny day. Very pretty but…Unless you travel like Donald Trump on your own private jet, and are in the 3 % of the population that are able to do so, the reality of commercial travel is brutal. And don’t even get me started on people who even insinuate that they have ever joined the MILE HIGH club!!! If you have had sex in an airplane lavatory at 27000 feet, you are one crazy MOFO, who probably has some form of STD, and should be quarantined.

Now don’t get your knickers in a twist, I am talking about leisure travel, not the people who NEED to travel, for work or for family, or for any other necessary reasons.

Thankfully most of us choose to remember all the good parts. Not the delays, people sneezing on you, the pushing and shoving, the disgusting third world bathrooms that are clogged and have piss on the seats and the wretched excuse for food that is sold to us in every airport across the world. The truth is, as with everything in this world, everything is up sold. Like the way McDonald’s can make a 700 day old burger look juicy fresh appetizing and healthy for you. Or the way the ads for trains in Europe can look like the classiest cleanest best way to travel, when in fact they are utterly disgusting fast metal tubes that are as archaic as the trains that ran in the 1800s with an outhouse for a toilet and one of the most unsanitary displays of seating I have ever been witness to. Ps this was in the 1st class cabin!

Now, I am not a spoiled brat as some of you may be thinking. There is a difference between Paris Hilton requesting a red carpet on the runway and having a hotel filled with 6 dozen of my favorite flowers along with 4000 green m&m’s. But that’s not the point of this rant.

The point is this has nothing to do with how grateful I am, or how spiritual I should be, it simply has to do with the fact that I am very lucky and very happy to live where I live. I don’t feel like I am missing anything. I guess I’m creature of habit, but guess what… that’s not a bad thing. At least not to me. As far as I’m concerned, all the people who travel for a living are heroes. Life on the road is NOT glamorous, and certainly not as luxurious as everyone’s pictures portray. I am very happy staying put.

We had fun on this trip. We really did! I loved every minute of it. We laughed a lot and played a lot, But it wasn’t because we travelled to Rome, it was because we enjoy each other. We got to be alone with each other in a way that we have never experienced, we never even had a real honeymoon, we had two of our three children at our wedding 🙂 We do most of the same stuff at home. Maybe we have a few more challenges with work and kids but for the most part, he mostly makes me laugh almost everyday ;-).

As for me and my travel adventures, I would be quite content if I never left SoCal ever again. I love history and I appreciate all the beauty this world has to offer, but i am quite content enjoying all of it from the comfort of my own home watching it on National Geographic, or reading about it in a book. Unless were talking about Paris. I would go there again anytime 🙂 Tony Blauer…been a world traveller for over 30 yrs #newrespect ✈️😘